Aries: Modelo. Because you’re not afraid of a fight, and Modelo partners with the UFC on the Fighting Chance Project that revitalizes gyms.
Taurus: Miller High Life. Because you “love a good time and a fine bargain.”
Gemini: Budweiser. Because of some nonsense about Geminis being good liars, and Budweiser being good at marketing. Like the Clydesdale horses and Budweiser frogs.
Cancer: Blue Moon. Because cancers are “ruled by the moon.” And because cancers are nostalgic . . . baseball is nostalgic . . . and Blue Moon was the brainchild of a place called Sandlot Brewery at Coors Field in Denver.
Leo: Corona. Because it’s Spanish for “crown,” and Leo is the sign of royalty.
Virgo: Michelob Ultra. Because Virgos are health-conscious. And Michelob Ultra is so watered down, it’s sometimes called the “Gatorade of beers.”
Libra: Pabst Blue Ribbon. Libras love fairness and equality, and PBR is loved by everyone from factory workers to hipsters.
Scorpio: Guinness. Because Scorpios are mysterious, and Guinness has been very tight-lipped when it comes to their trade secrets.
Sagittarius: Sapporo. Because you’re adventurous, and so was the guy who created it. He left Japan in the 1860s at age 17 . . . which was forbidden back then . . . and studied brewing in Germany. (He was an Aquarius.)
Capricorn: Yuengling. Because you’re determined, and so was Yuengling when they stayed afloat in Prohibition by making “near beer” with basically no alcohol. (But so did Anheuser-Busch, Coors, and others. You could argue Pabst was more determined . . . they pivoted to making cheese.)
Aquarius: Stella Artois. Because the tarot card for Aquarius is the “Star” card, and “Stella” means “star” in Latin.
Pisces: Heineken. Because you like pleasing people. And the guy who founded their ad department once said, “I don’t sell beer, I sell enjoyment.” (His real quote was actually, “I don’t sell beer, I sell warmth.”)